Transition to Parenthood
“The sign of great parenting is not the child’s behavior, but the parents’ behavior.”
– Andy Smithson
Feel as though you’re going insane?
The garage door shuts. You wait for him to walk in the door. Seconds feel like hours. You’ve reached your limit for the day… mommy time is over!
The door squeaks open, and before you even say “hello,” you quickly pass off baby into your husband’s arms. You then do an about-face and speed walk in the direction of your bedroom for some much needed quiet time.
The crying, the exhaustion, the smell (not just from baby but from YOU and your lack of personal hygiene lately), the isolation… it could drive a sane person mad!
What you’re going through… you’re not alone.
Approximately 2/3 of couples are unhappy in their relationships during the first three years of their baby’s life.
Why is this number so high?!
These are just some of the issues that contribute to a high rate of unhappy relationships among new couples…
Different Parenting Styles
You and your spouse had different childhoods – different experiences and examples of what it looks like to be a parent. You might prefer sticking to a strict parenting routine, whereas your partner is more lax. Or maybe you want to send your kids to a religious school and your spouse is agnostic. Everything seems to be a disagreement, and tension is on the rise!
Changes in Intimacy
“Six weeks!?!?” At your first doctor’s appointment post-baby, you hear these words from the doctor: “Six weeks and then you can return to sexual intercourse.” Most of the time dad is like, “Oh, yeah!” while mom is like, “Oh, shit!”
As a new mom, you may struggle with hormonal shifts, body changes, recovering from childbirth… maybe even postpartum depression. As a new dad, it can be hard to connect with baby and figure out your role when mom is the one doing most of the feeding. You’re lost and need some quality time with your wife. But she’s not available… there’s a dire need for intimacy.
Tit-for-Tat Approach
Finding balance after baby comes… ummm… how is that supposed to happen?! Chores pile up, and you are returning to work, trying to exercise, introducing baby to family members… just trying to find a millisecond for personal downtime!
Oh, yeah… and there’s taking care of the new baby. It’s so easy to start pointing fingers, saying things like, “I changed the last five diapers; dude; this one is yours!” or “YOU’RE tired… are you kidding?” or “I was up all night!”
Sound familiar? Little arguments and feeling like the sole player in the game of life can be overwhelming and can quickly escalate to bigger issues.
Financial Disagreements
Children are expensive! Did you discuss with your spouse how you are going to allocate your money once baby arrives?
Actually, spending money on a baby starts way before it comes! Nursery, baby clothes, car seats, bigger car, bigger house, nannies… and then you have medical bills, groceries, college savings, weddings, and family vacations. These expenses can put a lot of strain on a relationship, particularly if one partner is a big spender and the other is a saver!
“The greatest gift a couple can give their baby is a loving relationship,
because that relationship nourishes Baby’s development.”
– John Gottman
Our children see and pick up on EVERYTHING!
Even as infants! Even when you think they are too young to understand what you are saying or how you are interacting with others, children can sense the vibe, energy, happiness, tension, tone, touch.
When you argue with your spouse, emotions become dysregulated. You become mentally drained, unhappy, and less likely to respond to your child’s cues: hunger, attention, wet diapers, etc.
The more you miss cues, baby will be aware that his or her needs aren’t being responded to consistently. This can result in increased tantrums, becoming overly clingy, losing eye contact, or even engaging less with parents. These things can escalate into even more significant issues.
When your personal emotional needs are met within the framework of your relationship, you are able to offer your child a sense of stability and security, which allows the child to explore and experience the world with trust from a solid foundation of support and secure attachment.
As parents, we pave the road that our children will follow.
Your relationship with your spouse is your child’s first example of how to interact with another person.
If you are in a toxic unhealthy relationship, you are showing your child that this is ok.
If you treat your partner with love and respect, you are setting the bar on how to be treated and how to treat others this way.
There are no “make-ups” or “take-backs.”
We parents are not perfect… even the very best of relationships have their rough days!
But you cannot make up for those rough moments by pouring everything you have back into your baby.
The front door slams. Your husband is off to work after a rough morning. Baby cried most of the night, and the diaper blow-out this morning sent everyone over the edge. Your first inclination is to sink every last bit of energy into baby today. If you can prove to yourself that you are a good mom, then maybe the pain of the fight with your husband won’t sting as much.
What’s wrong with this picture?
When a baby is born into a strained relationship, a child can naturally become a third party who absorbs stress and anxiety from their parents’ relationship. In time, baby and child might even act as an emotional stand-in for a parent who lacks emotional intimacy with their spouse.
Pouring everything you have back into baby will not solve the marital discord that you are experiencing. Rather, it will blur roles and create more separation within the family unit.
You have to put yourself first!
Let me repeat: YOU HAVE TO PUT YOURSELF FIRST!
Caring for an infant is all-consuming. Doing something for yourself can feel like an outrageous indulgence…
BUT when you deny you or your spouse this time off, burn out is inevitable and resentment may fester. Look at time away from baby as a gift to them because you will return refreshed and happy.
Whether this means getting out of the house alone, walking aimlessly around Target, getting some drinks with the guys…
… or working on your relationship as a friend, spouse, lover, and co-parent (yes, you can date your spouse!)…
…. or going to couples counseling to get some extra support with this HUGE transition…
Do something to make yourself a priority.
Let me be your guide.
As new parents, we all face the same struggles. It’s how we manage conflict during these struggles that makes the difference. Here’s what we’ll do to put you on the right path:
Learn the recipe for healthy conflict management…
This leads to deeper compassion in your relationship.
Decrease relationship hostility…
No more boxing matches; rather, a choreographed method for communicating effectively.
Develop greater relationship satisfaction…
Feel confident in the resilience and strength that you cultivate with your partner.
Give meaning to everyday events…
Life moves quickly, especially with children. Enjoy the journey in small daily moments.
Maintain emotional closeness with your spouse…
You can do this without sacrificing the bond with your child.
Discuss new roles in life now…
Approach this new phase of life as a team. Shift “me” to “we.”
Improve the quality of parent-infant interaction…
Take uninterrupted time to be present with your child. You cannot spoil your babies by responding to them.
Practice self-care…
You can’t pour from an empty cup. Happy and healthy parents produce happy and healthy kiddos.
Define your goals…
Continue to seek meaning and build a vision for yourself and your family.
The road to transformation…
Rather than looking for the flaws in your partner and relationship, I will challenge you to change your habits and mindset – to watch for the positives and voice your feelings and concerns in a productive way.
Together, we will utilize various exercises in self-awareness, as well as games, role playing, creativity, take-home assignments, and psychoeducation of couple’s relationship dynamics to achieve your goals for a successful, resilient relationship.
Give a gift to yourself… and your children.
You may think that being a good parent means you have to figure it out all on your own, but that’s not true! Let’s face it, if parenthood came with a GPS, it would mostly just say, “RECALCULATING!”
Parenthood involves a total transformation – of your identity, your relationship with your spouse, your social life, and your body.
It’s ok… even healthy… to ask for help!
You don’t want to look back five years from now and wish you had done something differently. Now’s the time to invest in your marriage and build your team of support for your journey as a new parent.
You owe it to yourself… you owe it to your child!